


Prequel to Dreams in the Blight

by Rainyday22



Series: Fumbling in the Dark [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Consensual, F/M, Growing Up, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Open Relationships, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-27 02:58:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2676440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainyday22/pseuds/Rainyday22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Prequel: Alistair's sex life before the blight, Ostagar, and meeting the witches of the Wilde aka how Alistair really lost his virginity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mother Superior

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, this it he prequel to Dreams in the Blight. This is the first fic I've posted, so enjoy and all comments welcome.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair's childhood from the Mother Superior of the Chantry's point of view.

Alistair was a troubled youth. Every time he got close to someone who could take care of him, and that he could rely on as a child he lost them. Losing Arl Eamon was a particular blow, in some ways worse than losing his mother, because of his age and the circumstances surrounding the events. His deep sense of betrayal made it very hard for him to heal and connect with superiors as well as peers. He was a child that required a lot of patience and discipline. 

The mother superior of the chantry, though on the surface a hard and rigid woman, was in fact rather well placed in her role. She had the compassion and skills to see what roles were best for people, and how to best manipulate them for their own good. Alistair was of course quite a problem child, and a slippery fish in her book, but she did do the best she could for the lad as he grew into a young man. 

She saw that staying still for him would always be a problem, and even though she didn't feel it appropriate to show the boy actual motherly affection and familiarity, she did care for the young man a great deal. He was constantly testing boundaries, in her opinion as a way to remind himself that he was in fact cared for and valued. 

She would always respond to his outbursts and bad behaviour with punishments that pushed him to interact with others. If he was caught cutting class to go talk to the stable hands and pet the horses she would make sure he was part of the group going to market and doing the manual labour. Though dull work it required brawn, constant motion, teamwork, and afforded the boy a view of the outside world and new people to see and speak to. 

He wasn't meant for the priesthood and the kinds of punishments that boys who were would only drive the lad from the only home he had left. She couldn't bear to see that happen to such a bright and shining star or a child. It was at times hard for some of the more academic priests and members of the clergy to see past the bad behaviour and mouthiness she knew, but their type of discipline would only lead to the boy being further hurt. She ensured as best she could that this would not happen. 

There were of course the regular trials and hurts of boyhood, but those she felt she couldn't nor should protect him from. The best she could do was what any guardian could do. She provided the best emotional safety net she could. He might not be aware of it, but there really were a lot of caring people on his side.

Keeping him busy and out of trouble was practically a full time job in itself. As he grew older she saw that the more he was out of the chantry grounds working (as punishments or as direct chantry business) the happier and more focused he seemed to be. She firmly felt that Alistair striking out on his own and cultivating his own relationships in the community was a very good building block for him in adulthood. The chantry would never fulfil all of his emotional needs, or undo the hurts of his childhood. True friendship and love over time might. 

As he began the transition from boyhood to manhood she pushed him towards being a Templar. This would put his body to work, give him focus, a clear structure to live and work in, and would see her still having a direct hand in his life. Being a Templar was something for war time or young men. She saw a life of hard work for Alistair, but one that would after his blush of being a young adult would afford him ability to make choices about the direction of his life, and perhaps even to marry and have a family of his own. Alistair was as close to a son as the Mother Superior would ever have.

To say the Mother Superior was livid when Alistair was conscripted by Duncan was certainly an understatement. She went as far to tell Duncan how much he was stealing from the young man, and all the other practical and emotional arguments a mother would make. It took all her self control not to break down and beg Duncan to take another. She knew Duncan could see her pain, but wouldn't budge. He took Alistair from the castle the very next morning. At least Duncan had torn the bandage away quickly. She mourned for many months after Alistair was gone.


	2. Alistair's Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the story from Alistair's point of view.

Alistair's childhood was one of books books books, pranks, and punishments as far as he was concerned. As he got a little older he was relieved that many of his punishments allowed him to escape the chantry walls. He actually made friends with some of the farm children and even a few of the shopkeepers children when they were young enough to still play in the streets some. 

When he was a bit older and he was especially naughty he was sent to help on the farms just outside the walls that supplied the chantry with grain and vegetables. No one would force him to attend boring endless services twice a day, or practice his writing, or pray for the sake of "focusing your mind on the maker." He loved these times, especially harvest time. There was so much work. Hustle and bustle, and people to be with. Often he would end up spending nights at the farmers homes sleeping in the barn. He would be almost a member of their family. Those were his happiest memories. 

Alistair didn't know at the time but his 18th summer would be the end of his childhood and start of his manhood. That summer was the summer Alistair was freest and also probably the most normal summer compared to other people of his entire life. 

Sexual education was never a strong point for the chantry, especially for boys. Some limited education was given to girls, but there was a focus on purity and chastity for the devout. Alistair never considered himself devout, nor did any of the clergy around him really so his education in this matter was rather forgotten. He instead picked up most of what he knew from what he heard and saw of the villagers and the occasional tavern visit with other farm lads. Though the Chantry hadn't done much of job educating Alistair about the mechanics of sex and relationships, Arl Eamon had made it clear he needed to keep it in his pants for his own safety and as his duty as bastard to the thrown. Now as a teenager Alistair had certainly started to become aware of other people in a way that he didn't know how to deal with. 

He saw his peers start to flirt and canoodle, and at some point realised that he had interests in those around him too. He blushed when caught staring at the cleavage of the fishmongers wife, and seriously struggled the time all the boys escaped that hot summer afternoon to swim down in the river. Though he never discussed it with anyone, a couple of his friends were seriously attractive glistening in the summer sun in their birthday suits. He was just glad the water was so cold.

The summer he turned 18 was the year he spent almost the entire season on the Doran family's farm. They, like most of the other families, had a good gaggle of kids so there was always someone around to talk to. Their 3rd child was a girl also his age named Thea. She was a bit shorter than he was and a little plump. She was certainly womanly in shape and bearing. He didn't know it at first, but Alistair was smitten. He found himself following her and wanting to do small things for her to see her smile. She returned his favours coyly and rather innocently at first. 

Then there was the day he arrived later than usual having been sent on a number of mindless errands for the priests and mother superior (he swore she liked to torment him with drudgery). The majority of the family had gone over to the market. Alistair had been looking forward to the market day, but having missed them was happy to take the opportunity to temp Thea out for a picnic in the meadows. He was very much hoping to steal a kiss, and perhaps capture a bit more of her heart. 

It was a wonderful day. They walked out into the hills and rested by a stream. She asked him if living in the chantry was what she'd heard, and he told her all about the boring prayer and uptight teachers and priests. She laughed and reminded him how lucky an education was. He had sighed and agreed, and then confessed a lot more about his life to her than he had anyone before. He shared some of the sadnesses and also how he loved to come out and be on the farm. To put his body to work. To see her, and to make her smile. He had no idea at the time, but his honesty and conviction about his life, and about his feelings for her was a seduction many grown men would be jealous of. 

He in his innocence was actually pleasantly surprised when she pressed her lips to his stealing his breath. They spent the afternoon kissing and touching in the ways that those new to it do. Joy and fear, hesitation and increasing desire. 

When it became time to return she turned to him, holding his hand Thea said, "Alistair you are so sweet and wonderful. I never want to stop kissing you, but you must promise me you will not leave the chantry and your duty on a whim for those kisses."

He looked down at her. He was surprised, taken aback, and he found he was hurt. He didn't know what to say to her in that moment, and so just kissed her hand. Looking into her eyes he saw far more than he could understand at the time.


	3. Alistair's Path is Set

Alistair for the first time in his life felt care free. Nothing bad could touch him or hurt him. He and Thea were discrete without discussion, but any moment he could be close to her, leave her a flower or token, or best have her lips and body pressed against him he took and treasured.

The harvest grew closer and work needed to be done on the farm. This also meant a flurry of activity and more chances for Thea and Alistair to sneak moments together. Had he been a normal farm lad they would probably start being less discrete and marriage discussions would have started to float around the more adult circles of the village. 

Near the end of the summer, a month or so before harvest Mother Superior summoned him to her receiving rooms after dinner. It had been a number of weeks since he had last been there (as so far he was in fact behaving himself to a standard that did not require her intervention, and he was carrying out his previous set task).

He arrived around 9 pm as he had gotten the summons in the afternoon on the farm, and had finished the day there. When he arrived back at the chantry in the early evening he'd taken a detour and had late supper with the others catching up on the gossip as the message wasn't urgent.

“Good evening Mother Superior. I hope you are well.” Alistair started out in his haphazard formalish state. 

“Ah Alistair, I was wondering if I would in fact see you today.” Though rebuffing him she was smiling. “I'm pleased to see you. You look well. I have not seen you since just after May day correct?”

“Yes Mother, I have been working on the Doran farm as you requested.”

“How are you finding that?”

Alistair couldn't stop a small blush from coloring his cheeks. “Mother it suits me well. They are a good and kind family, and there is a great deal of work do to on their lands. I know that they need my help to get in the harvest on time this year.”

“You do the Maker's work Alistair.” She said smiling at him. This statement was the one she always used to reward him when he did well.

“Alistair I summoned you tonight as the season is growing to a close, and after harvest and the festivals this year it is time to consider the direction your life will go. You are no longer a child. Is this something you had considered at all?”

Alistair faltered a little. He had not considered what would happen after the harvest. He had been so caught up in the day to day work on the farm and Thea he'd spared no thoughts for the farther future.

“Mother, no I had not. I am very happy on the farm though. I would.. I would stay there.”

The Mother Superior smiled kindly at him. “Alistair, that is no life for you. You do not have the temperament for such a sedentary life. Nor do I fear that you're background would make that a good first choice for you now. I have considered this a length, and as such arrangements have been made for you to enter the tutelage of Sir Peyton. You will become a Templar Alistair. You have the talent for it, and this path will afford you the opportunity to learn the skills you need to be safe throughout your life. You will travel and see this world as I know you yearn to do. It is a great honour. A position where you will be respected. You have grown into a fine young man, and this path suits you well.”

Alistair felt like the earth was moving beneath his feet. He wanted nothing more than to collapse in a heap on the floor. He went pale. The Mother.. she.. she was taking him away from Thea. Of course she didn't know.. and even if she did.. if she did she would probably take him away tonight not in a months time. He had to answer her, thank her before she noticed and forced the truth from him.

“I.. I thank you Mother. This is indeed a great honour. I thank you for this opportunity.”

“Are you well Alistair? You seem to have gone pale. I know this is a big change for you, but you must have known you couldn't remain here my errand boy forever. I will still be part of your life. Templar's work directly under me. You will not lose the connections you have made here. You will travel and train, but you will still have a home.” She had not expected him to look so distraught by this plan. In fact she had expected him to swell with pride. 

“I do think this the best path for you Alistair, but is there a reason you do not want it? Is there another path you think suits you better? I would not dictate your life against your best interests Alistair.”

He knew she was right. She was always right. Everything about him and his life up until Thea led perfectly to this path. Thea threw everything off. If he did as the Mother suggested he would not have the ability to control his own destiny for many years to come. Starting after the harvest he would be back full-time under the control of the Chantry, and out of the arms and reach of Thea. 

“No Mother, there is nothing. You are correct. I am sorry to not have more energy. Perhaps something I ate was off. This is indeed the best path for me. I would not go against your wishes. I do want to travel and see the world.”

“You will make a fine warrior Alistair. You do the Maker's work.”

“Thank you Mother.” Alistair bowed his head. Hoping this would signal the end of the audience and he could escape to his chambers and disintegrate.

“Alistair, if there is anything that changes you know my door is open to you as it always has been. That is all for tonight if you have no questions. There will be time to discuss arrangements as the time for them draws nearer. Good night Alistair.”

“Good night Mother.” At that Alistair turned and at a very controlled speed moved to is his own rooms. At the moment when he should have felt the most accomplished and elated he was the most heart broken and distraught. 

When the door shut the Mother Superior frowned to herself. That went very differently than she had expected. The lad was good at heart. What could have changed over the last weeks to cause this type of reaction. Had she told him her plans in the spring she would have expected him to practically jump for joy. He never was very open with his feelings that weren't happiness or direct anger. Sadness the boy kept close. It was a product of his personality and his early experiences she knew. Was this sadness because of this path, or had it been growing of the last weeks since she had seen him. No it must be a reaction. Such a change in him would have been noted and she would have heard. 

What would cause this? The issues of a child are so much more obvious and transparent than those of an adult. Was he afraid of growing up? Of moving on from here? No she had reassured him he wasn't losing his home, and that didn't seem to be what had affected him. No something else. He was of an age. He had been spending a great deal of time out of the sight of the Chantry. Perhaps there was a lass. It would make sense. 

Her chest tightened. Why hadn't she considered this earlier? Her desire for him to be happy had blinded her to the idea that he might in fact fall in love. What if the girl got with child? Well the Chantry had dealt with this type of issue many times before, and would again. It would only be more complicated because of Alistair's heritage. That same heritage however should keep him from acting stupidly. 

That thought reassured her. He was an honourable man. He would do his duty and he would not make a child now. If there was a lover she was unaware of she could only hope that it was puppy love that would soon be forgotten with adulthood. 

She was sure this was the right path for Alistair, and the broken heart of a 18 year old boy would not alter the correctness of her decision.


	4. Alistair's Confesses his Love

That night for the first time Alistair snuck to the farm and threw stones at Thea's window until she came down. 

They walked silently hand in hand out of the farmyard and into the hills. She had the foresight to bring the blanket off her bed and carried a small basked. They sat where they had by the brook weeks before. The moon shone brightly where the sun had previously drenched them in warmth. 

"Alistair we are far away enough now not be wake the others or be over heard. What has you so upset you have to come in the night and wake me up?"

At the question he let go of her hand and buried his head in her lap. He could not stop the tears that came. It was the newest of the hurts. The world again taking the person he loved from him. Through his tears he told her as best he could.

"Today... Today after dinner Mother Superior informed me of her plans for me." He felt Thea stiffen, but then start to stroke his hair. "Tell me Alistair, what does she plan for you that has you so upset? Will you forever have to work under priest Berinon?" He could hear the smile in her voice. She knew how much he hated that man and his dull tasks. He almost managed a laugh through his tears. "No.. no not that thankfully. After the harvest and the fall festival I will start training as a Templar."

Some moments passed and then she whispered "Come here," dragging his tear stained face to hers. She kissed his lips, his wet cheeks, his eyelids. He saw in the moon light that there was silent tears creeping down her face too.

"Oh Thea!" Alistair cried. "I cannot lose you. I cannot turn my back on you. I love you Thea and though I know.. I know you said I couldn't turn from the Chantry and my duty for you. I would. I would stay here with you. Live my life as a simple man to see you every morning and to kiss your soft lips each evening."

Thea started to cry in earnest then. "Alistair.. Alistair.. you cannot break your promise to me, as I cannot break my promise to others. I love you. I truly do, but there is more than you know. I'm .. I'm so sorry."

Alistair's head started to swim.. what was she talking about? Why, dear maker, why was HIS life always so complicated. He was a simple man, with simple desires. Fate seemed at all turns to confound him. 

"Thea I think my heart is breaking. I don't understand what you are saying. Please. please..."

She started to kiss him again, not just to comfort this time, but more with the flame of desire. "No more pain Alistair. You are not losing me. I love you. My heart will always be yours."

She pushed her fingers through his hair in the way she knew made him shiver. She ran her fingertips down the back of his ears. They had stolen many kisses, and when time allowed had explored more than just those innocent kisses. He loved the look on her face when he fingered her until she came. She loved to grind on him until he was panting, and then to jack him off while they both watch her hang gliding up and down his hard cock. The only activity he had initiated first was tasting her quim. 

He'd overheard plenty of jokes (and drunken more serious conversation) about the topic from men and women. The overall consensus from women seemed to be doing it, liking it, and being good at it was something paramount in a good lover. Men seemed to joke about it as something she got if she was lucky. It wasn't hard to figure out which side of that coin he wanted to be. 

She had seemed surprised (thought not disappointed), but maybe that was because she had almost always led their interactions. Partly this was because Alistair though uneducated about women and sex was sure that it was better for her to offer than him to ask, and partly because he was pretty sure actual sex could end in places neither of them were ready to be. Mainly with child. 

Tonight though, he cared little for the morning let alone any duty he had to dead kings, far off estranged guardians, or the damned chantry. When she started to tug his shirt over his head he let her. 

Her finger tips running over his muscles and ghosting over his nipples. He moaned at the touch. For a moment he just let her have her way. Both of them enjoying her touch. Then he started to unlace her night dress. He loosened it enough to pull it past a shoulder so he could kiss the side of her neck and down to her collar bone. He gently cupped her breasts through the cloth and rubbed his thumbs over her nipples. It was her turn to gasp. They were both kneeling facing each other, and he started to press her back. 

Propped on one elbow he looked at her. Her tears had stopped. He languidly kissed her mouth. Letting his tongue play with hers, licking her lips and gently sucking on her tongue. His free hand massaged her breast and tugged a little on her hard nipples. "Alistair, oh, mm. mmm." She hummed in pleasure at him. 

"You are beautiful by moonlight Thea. Let me see all of you." He started to pull her night dress up and she let him take it over hear head. Naked, stretched out, it was the most he'd gotten to see of her. 

It felt like time had stopped, and they had forever to love each other. 

"Take them off Alistair. Be naked with me. I want to touch over inch of you tonight. I think I may die of desire if I cannot." She rolled over firmly cupping his hard on through his britches. She started to unlace them, and he tossed them off as soon as they were loose enough.

Now lying facing each other, Alistair’s hard cock brushing up against her thighs they caressed each other. Gentle finger nails and finger tips causing goosebumps in the warm summer air. Kisses following these. 

Thea won the tussle for who would be on top. She truly enjoyed using her mouth on Alistair. On his mouth and neck, earlobes and nipples. Up the sensitive insides of his thighs, and finally over the head of his cock. He groaned and babbled sweet nothings to her. She luxuriated in the his taste and feel; in how good he felt and the joy of how much pleasure she could give him. She had tasted him like this only a few times and she was enjoying learning which places liked more pressure which liked that type of lick. She loved to listen to his breath changing.

She was so wet. Even when alone imagining this she hadn't been as aroused as she was now. She bounced her lips on the head of his cock while fingering herself. Spreading her wetness over her folds and onto her fingers. She climbed up him rubbing her clit down his shaft and then up again.  
She kissed his mouth, all tongue and heat. "See how wet you made me," she said as she pulled away ghosting her fingers under his nose and over his lips, all the while slowly pressing her clit up and down him. His cock twitched and he hungrily sucked her fingers. The sensations for both of them intense, and new, and becoming too much. 

She moaned and raised herself up higher so the head of his cock was starting to press him between her lips. She moaned and leaned her head back while putting her palms on his chest. All conscious thought stopped for him. In the moonlight slowly sliding down his cock she was the embodiment of beauty, an angel, a goddess tearing him apart and returning him form simultaneously. 

He wanted to be part of her, to be inseparable. To love her soul and mind with his body. Then all of him was inside her and her pelvis was pressed against his. His cock was twitching inside her. He leaned up to her kissing her mouth, putting an arm around her to cradle her and the other holding a breast. 

"You are perfect," was all he could think to say. 

"I love you Alistair," and she started to move. 

He almost lost it entirely at that moment. She had him. He was on a hair trigger. The only thing keeping him from grabbing her and dragging her into him as much as possible and spilling himself as deeply in her as he could was the tiny part of his brain in awe of how much he loved this woman. How much he wanted her to feel as much pleasure as he did.

She kept moving up and down him. Her pace was getting a bit erratic. She was sweaty and even in the moonlight he could see she was flushed from her head down to hear breasts. Those perfect breasts. 

He pulled her in tightly making it hard for her to move. Kissing her mouth. She moaned, he panted. "Alistair.." her tone the closest to begging he'd ever heard. 

"Thea I love you." and he started to push her back. He knew she was close, but slowing things down might get her the tiny bit of the distance between them. He was on top of her, between her legs. He was still inside her. She moaned and raised her hips into him. He moaned back in her ear. He sucked on her neck and ears. 

He thrust into her, not the fast strokes she had been doing, but harder, deeper strokes. She unfolded like the petals of a flower. "Mm that's so good. The head of my cock can touch that place deep inside you this way that you can't ever say no to," Alistair found himself saying to her ear through a smile. And then she was begging him. Begging him to go faster, and harder. 

He gave her her wish on harder, but not faster. His teasing paid off. "Please Alistair, please you feel amazing.. so good.. so perfect. I'm going to cum. Oh Alistair please come with me. At the same time." her voice breathy in his ear. 

When the first ripples of her muscles contracting came he couldn't stop himself from letting out a shout, and his mind lost the battle with his body. He fucked her fast and hard and as she fell over the edge calling his name and groaning, clinging to him and pulling him into her as far as possible he was pushing into her cumming hard and long. He was sure he'd never had an orgasm as long as this. He didn't want to ever be outside her again. This was perfection.

They were both covered in sweat. Sticky with their juices. She lay under him holding him. She was worn out and limp like a ragdoll. She ran her fingers through his sweaty hair. She kissed the side of his face and pulled his mouth to hers. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too Alistair." 

Neither of wanted to move for a long time. Only when she whispered in his ear, "I think you're getting cold. We should rinse off," did he consent to slide out of her. She moaned a little at him moving in her. He was back to her mouth in a moment. Passion and desire quickly heating up their kiss. She pulled him close then pulling him away. "Let's rinse and get a drink. I brought a little beer and food in my basket. There are hours before dawn still, but before we give ourselves to each other again we must talk more of the future." Then she pulled him back to her mouth, feeling his shudder she kissed him.

In her warm embrace he found the strength to pull himself together, "yes you are right, but you'll have to let me wash you.." She laughed then, " yes Alistair but not too long or I'll catch a cold!"

They tenderly, but quickly rinsed each other off in the brook and then came back to the blanket. He fetched her little basket which she had thoughtfully put a bit of hard cheese, bread, and some beer into. He opened the beer with his knife and passed it to her, starting to cut up some small bits of cheese and bread. 

They enjoyed the repast while looking at the moon, the scant clouds, and the few stars visible next to such a bright moon. Alistair’s mind was racing. What would their future be, what could it be? It was clear she would take convincing for him to leave the Chantry. Part of him wanted that very badly, and another part could not countenance the dereliction of duty that would entail. He was torn. What part of his heart should rule? That was ultimately the crisis that had driven him to her tonight. He could not decide. He couldn't abandon either course in his life.

When he had finished his last bit of cheese she with her index finger drew his chin towards her. His eyes moved away from the sky to her deep blue pools.

"Alistair, I must tell you what I have kept from you. I know you love me, I know you trust in my love for you. Please be patient."


	5. Alistair's Heart Break

The second level of confusion returned to him. Thea had said there was something he didn't know. She was so.. herself. Alive and full. What could there be to her that he was not able to see? What could need such gravity?

"Thea, I do not understand what you are trying to say, but I will listen to you always. Please tell me." She'd said she'd always love him, and that he wouldn't loose her. What else mattered?

It turned out a great deal. Her words seared him. Burned him. He felt as if his flesh was cut away, and his tendons were being torn away. As if his skin was burned with hot irons. Again that day tears could not be held back. 

"Alistair.. I am promised in marriage to another. He is from a village two days journey away. We have been betrothed for 2 years now. I am to wed him in the coming spring. His father is dividing a piece of land off their farm for him and I. My family and his have been close friends for many years. I have known him my entire life."

Emotions raged and fought in Alistair. Another betrayal. He wanted to kill her, to kill this other man. He wanted to run away into the night and never come back. He wanted to demand she turn the marriage down and elope with him since she so clearly loved him, why would she marry another? But further still he couldn't see the betrayal in her eyes. Could only see love in her beautiful face, her hair tussled from their love making. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came. What could he offer her anyway? They both knew his Templar training would never allow a wife and family.

"Alistair, before you react there is more. Let me finish. I am sorry for not telling you before, but.. well oh Alistair. If you can bear it let me tell you about him and how things stand between he and I... He and I have known each other our whole lives. We have been in love since we were children. Close from a young age. When the terrible plague swept through many of us children stayed with grandparents and relatives far away. He and I spent quite a few seasons together. We knew years ago we would marry, long before our families did. 2 years ago we discussed what we wanted and how we wanted it to be. We have always been able to be very open with each other. We agreed that until we were married and living together under one roof we were free to pursue any type of relationship with anyone we chose. I have not broken my promise to him by being with you. We even discussed whether other entanglements would need to end because of our marriage. Last summer we agreed that that was something we should have to address as our marriage came closer. At that time he was kissing some foolish village girl, but wasn't in love with her. Alistair.. I do not want to give you up just because of marriage. I love him, I will live my life with him.. but if you.. if you can see a place for me still in your life knowing the truth I want you.. I need to have you.

I know you are feeling torn between me and your duty to the Chantry and.. whatever your other feelings of duty are. You have ones that run deeper than just being a Chantry orphan.. perhaps one day you will tell me more of those.. as you too have things you've kept from me. That though can wait for it's own time. Alistair you can't give up those duties, nor would I accept if you tried to. You wouldn't be the man I love. You will always be my heart husband, but you cannot be my hearth husband."

Alistair shook and tears streamed down his cheeks. He hadn't felt this small and lost and hurt since the first night being in the Chantry after Arl Eamon left him there. His body was bigger and stronger, but his heart felt like that of the little boy. 

Thea let him be for long moments. Not reaching out, not forcing contact. Tears were running down her cheeks too. More softly she said, "I'm so sorry Alistair for not telling you everything to start with.. I never expected it to be like this. I never expected love.. I never expected.. I just didn't know." She wept bitterly in earnest now.

Seeing her tears was a new searing pain. Alistair roughly pulled her into his lap and wrapped the blanket around their cooling bodies. "Thea..Thea.. I love you and at the moment you complete me you tear me into tiny pieces. I cannot answer this tonight. I cannot even feel everything." His tears running down her neck and shoulder, hot and stinging. She clung to him like he was the last rock in her storm. "Alistair.. even if you leave me now, you must believe me that I will always love you. I will never forget you. You will always have a home in my heart." 

Nothing was all right. He felt as if a tempest was beating him. She the cause of it all and yet her words like fire in the wet and cold. "I know nothing Thea but I do believe you love me, and I love you." Her shaking body felt so good. His body was betraying him. It didn't care what tomorrow brought. It didn't care the risk he was running making love to this woman. His mind wanted the comfort his body could deliver with hers, and maybe if he loved her hard enough and well enough this would all go away in the morning.

He kissed her roughly. Almost harshly in comparison to the gentleness of before. He wasn't thinking. He wasn't thinking of anything. Not of him, not of her. He just let his hands and mouth wander. Taste her skin, his hot salty tears he licked off her. Her tears he kissed away. He didn't linger teasing her, but used the knowledge of her body he had to bring her to the edge quickly in a sharp peak of heat. He used his teeth on her lips and neck and nipples. He squeezed her breasts hard. The only time he stopped and teased her was when he had the head of his cock between her outer lips. He could have just pushed into her. She was slick with fresh arousal on top of the traces of their previous session. 

He knew he was taking from her.. and though she was giving him what he was taking, it was the first time he'd ever just taken from her. As upset as he was, he couldn't do that. She had to want it, not just be letting him have comfort in her. He stopped. He was gathering his thoughts on how to proceed when she raised her hips to push the tip of his cock just inside her. She moaned. he realised for the first time she'd been moaning and reacting all along. He'd been in some other place. Just her body and his. Senses of touch and smell taking over hearing and sight. 

He gripped his cock and rubbed it firmly up and down her slick lips stopping to rub the swollen head on her puffy clit. She shuddered under him. "Oh Alistair.. please.. oh.." She kept making noises though none of them intelligible words after that. He kept rubbing her like that. She was grinding up at him occasionally catching the head of his cock in her entrance and trying to force him in father. 

He was taking a cruel pleasure from this now. He never thought he would get sexual pleasure from tormenting another. Had he been in his right mind he knew he'd be inside her already grinding against her g-spot and whispering sweet nothings like before. Now he wanted her to be as close to the edge as possible. To use her pleasure as her anguish.

She'd given up on grinding and was just holding her hips as close to him as possible and whimpering. He had a moment of clarity and realised that she was one thrust from orgasm. "Please I want to come with you inside me.. please Alistair..." And he broke. Sliding into her faster than before. 

Teasing was once again done. He didn't hold back. She was moving under him, breathing heavily. Her legs wrapped around him trying to hold him as deeply inside her as possible. Then he felt her fingernails on his back for the first time. She'd been using them on him since he had entered her but he felt them now because of the sting that he knew was blood being drawn. In his mental state it only added to the euphoria and he grunted loudly. "I want to cum.. I want to cum in you. Cum with me Thea. Cum now.." She threw back her head and moaned, her back arching. The nails digging deeper, her legs tightening even more and he felt her like a vice on his cock. Her entire body tightening around him. He came in her again hard, collapsing and his cock still twitched and pumped a little.

"Oh.."she whimpered a little and went to move some hair from her eyes. She noticed her finder tips were stained.."Alistair you're bleeding. Oh maker, Alistair.. I'm so sorry I didn't realise.. I've hurt you even more." She was on the edge of tears again. He grabbed her chin only a little more roughly than usually. "No.. no do not cry over that. I can't explain even if I knew.. but I needed it tonight.. right then. That pain I needed to feel. I couldn't have given it to myself. You gave me what I needed when I needed it." He kissed her and she kissed him back feverishly. 

"I'm afraid Alistair." Sighing he put his head next to hers and kissed her ear. "Thea.. I do not know what the future holds, but I love you. I want to be the husband of your heart. I don't know what else, but that I can say. No not that I want to be, but that I am. There is still time to figure out the rest.. Training starting doesn't mean I'll be gone, just I won't be working on the farm..give me time to think.. and you time to think." And he moved up and kissed her lips again, now able to return to the tenderness he normally had for her.

He started to move off her. "Thea.. what will you do if this.. if this ends in a child?" She stared at him for a second, and then gave a barking laugh. "Alistair I'm not worried about that. I bled only a few days ago, and I know of a herb tea I can get to drink to this week that will ensure there is no child."

Partly relived and partly saddened Alistair nodded. "Will you help me wash my back?" he asked giving her puppy dog eyes without intending it. She sat up then cupping his head and tenderly kissing him. "Yes Alistair."

They made their way back to the stream. This time mindless of the chill and took time over each other. By the end they were warm with a certain level of arousal. 

"Alistair I'm sleepy, do you need to find your way back into the Chantry tonight?" Again he sighed. He did.. well if he wanted to remain unquestioned he did. He cared little for his own sake, but for hers he would avoid the questions. Mother Superior was a sharp old woman, and he suspected that she had guessed his lack of enthusiasm earlier was related to a lover. She hadn't outright directly asked him the question, but there was certainly space in the conversation had he wanted to divulge it. 

"Hmm I do yes. Let me help you dress and get you back to house. I'll put your basket in the barn for you to get in the morning." They dressed each other, and hand in hand walked back to her home. At the barn door in the shadow they parted as lovers who feared never seeing each other again. They almost cried again, but at his stricken face she reminded him in a whisper that he was working with them until after the harvest and there was the festival too. They still had time together.

Then they kissed once more, and she darted in before her heart broke in her hands.


	6. Alistair Makes the First Choice

Numbly he walked back to the Chantry. It was just the start of dawn now and the servants entrance he'd used to get out would have some slight foot traffic at this hour. Well it couldn't be helped. He was too tired for any of the more complicated entrances that would require climbing. His mind and body would not be able to manage the finesse necessary for those. If anyone were to gossip.. well it would only be gossip. 

He fell into bed and was asleep quickly. His mind was not at rest, but he body and heart were too exhausted to go any farther. 

The late breakfast bell woke him. He'd slept through the first 2 rounds of breakfast. He better move fast if he was going to get anything to eat and get out to the farm in time to get anything done this morning. However, at breakfast his exhaustion was noted by the priest on breakfast prayer duty. A keen set of eyes for Mother Superior. Though he never stopped his recitation of the prayers he made stern eye contact and then with eyes and finger tips motioned him towards the offices upstairs. When finished a breakfast of dull porridge Alistair made his way upstairs. In the main reception of the offices one of the secretaries met him. 

"Ah Alistair, I was told to perhaps expect you. If you were to wander this way today I was to give you this letter, and told if there were any issues with its contents that you were to attend the offices of Mother Superior. On a personal note you look extremely unwell. Perhaps you should attend the apothecary?"

Tiredly sighing. Alistair thanked the secretary, and on the way down the stairs opened the seal. 

_Alistair I have asked Priest Jarin to direct you to collect this letter if you looked as if you were in need of emotional succour today._

_I know in time you will more wholeheartedly accept the path your duty will take you down. I understand you are young and perhaps had other ideas for your future._

_There is of course a finite amount of time you can be allowed to remain a boy before manhood will push it's way into your life, but do know that I care deeply for your well being as I always have._

_As you enter your adulthood you will have more choices over the direction of your life, and the power to enact those choices._

_I give you leave to take this day and the two following it to use as you see fit before returning to help with the harvest of the Doran family. I know that you get along well with them, as you often do with the community. I know that you are friendly with their children as well as the elders and want to see the best for them. However, they will understand if you need a few days to yourself, as I and your superiors here at the Chantry do._

_My door as always is open to you if you need anything I can offer._

_Best,_

_Mother Superior_

Still torn Alistair went out to the spring house. It was one of the places as a child he always found relief from the world. Its quiet trickle of water and cool thick walls shut out the heat, light, and noise of the outside day.

The far back room was not frequented much unless it is cheese making day, and so he could often find piece there.

Alistair found on arrival that his favourite hiding shelf was certainly too small and un-sturdy for a grown man, but did find a corner that was dry enough to relax in. Occasionally he heard kitchen workers and milk maids come and go, but no on saw or bothered him.

Alistair spent the day searching his heart and soul for a way through the terrible mess he was in. Could he love a woman who loved another. Could he leave a woman he loved for a dangerous life of travelling? He found he hated the Chantry. Hated his birthright. Hated all the things outside him that made him Alistair. The only things he cared for was him. The innate personality that is unchanging in the face of outside actions and Thea. 

She'd have to forgive him for not being there today. Perhaps he'd return tonight and sleep in the barn. Maybe. He would have to go there in 3 days regardless of how he felt by then.

After many hours and 2 missed meals he concluded he couldn't figure anything out on a stomach making that much noise. It was dusk when he emerged and he went to the late supper. Not as full or nice as the early dinners, but it was going to be his last chance without sweet talking kitchen staff tonight. There was cold meat and cheese, fruit and beer. This was plenty, and he made enough to make a satchel if he didn't feel like coming back again for a meal later.

Packing the satchel he was struck with a sudden urge to ride. He always felt the cares of the world fall away on the back of a fast horse. It wasn't so dark as to be dangerous for riding yet. Yes that was the right answer. 

He went to the stable hoping to catch a hand in a good mood, and when he arrived was told he was in fact cleared to use a horse if needed. Only partially surprised at this turn, he saddled up and was on his way. The physical movement and exercise after a day of sitting was actually quite liberating. 

He loved Thea. He should take a leaf from those deceased in his life. They only had what they took when they were able to take it. He would eventually be forced to leave the Chantry as a Templar. This in itself was actually a good thing. Something he wanted, and knew he needed if he were to be happy at all in a long term sense. He needed to carve his own identity separate from all those placed on him. As much as he resented Mother Superior for this move, it was a good choice for him. 

Marriage and settling down wasn't really something he could do as a Templar, but then to do so would only endanger that very family he loved. His political connections were a serious liability, and a determined spy would uncover them given enough time and the right incentive. 

He wanted Thea to be happy. To have the stability a, as she called it, "hearth husband" would provide. The children and small joys of regular life. A man who could be happy to till the soil his entire life. In his heart of heart Alistair knew he would chafe eventually in that life no matter how much he loved Thea and any children they had. 

But what would being a "heart husband" actually mean? Would it mean that in a sense he would have a home in her family? Did he want that? He foresaw a far future where he hadn't been back in a number of years. Coming into town. Entering her home. The joy of reuniting. Hugging some number of children.. maybe even one or two were his get. Having her like a man has his wife. 

Would her hearth husband be able to live with that? What man could share Thea? He.. he was only considering it because it was his only way to have any piece of her. If only he could have her all for himself. That brought fresh tears and anger. The horse felt his distress and picked up the pace. He let the horse run. Let his emotions wash over him and through him. He cursed the loss of his parents, Arl Eamon.. his "heart father." He had no one to turn to.. to ask advice of. No one that would understand him and all his feelings. He again was alone. 

The moon was bright again tonight and newly risen. The horse was getting tired.. He should return it soon. He turned it back down the lane towards the Chantry. The horse knew the way.. it didn't need to be led. One thing.. one thing he decided. He would take every moment he could with Thea until she was torn from him one way or another. And that would start tonight. He would return the horse and pack his back. He would only return to the Chantry when summoned by the Mother Superior. Until then his life would be with Thea for as long as he could or she would have him. The rest would take time to process.


	7. The Second Choice is Made

That night he did as he promised himself. He returned the horse, packed clothes to stay on the farm, took his provisions, and left a letter explaining he was going to stay on the farm until summoned for by the mother with the overnight secretary. He couched it in wanting to spent his last free days in the open, the family were indeed dear to him, and that he liked the work of the farm. All things she would expect.

He arrived at the farm with the moon high overhead. He'd slept in the barn many times before, and the family he was sure wouldn't be too upset, and more delighted to see him in the morning ready for work. He needed her tonight though. Needed to hold her and tell her he loved and hear her reaffirm her love. He only had to throw one stone at the window and she was down. Shawl around her. She was in her night dress she didn't look sleepy at all.

She threw her arms around him, kissing him over and over again. He shushed her and led her to the loft of the barn where his things were. He wanted to talk to her.. explain all his feelings and conclusions from the day and night, but she wouldn't hear him until their lust was sated. 

He tried to talk but she just unlaced his britches with speed, tugging his now loose shirt over his shoulders. Next throwing her night shirt over hers. She lunged onto him pressing their skin together. She was touching him all over. He felt a great relief when their skin touched. It was like the return of something he didn't know he'd lost until it was back. 

Her energy took over for both of them. This time he let her ride him to satisfaction. Touching her, caressing and kissing. Cupping her breasts and pulling her ass towards him. When he knew he was getting ahead of her again he thumbed her clit and was gifted with watching her cum in his lap. Her shuddering send him over the edge.. a feedback loop only driving them both on. 

"Maker it feel amazing when you cum" she said grinning down at him. Then she fell into the blankets next to him. "I'm sorry, you were trying to tell me something.. and I just.. I just couldn't put off feeling you. I've been so worried all day and.."

"It's fine.. I ..I will explain everything.. but I came back tonight instead of the morning because I couldn't bear not to see you and hold you." 

Alistair told Thea his feelings and thoughts as honestly as he could.. though still leaving out the part about his birthright for the moment. As she said, there was time for that later. He said in a way the arrangement made sense, but also could this other man bear to share her truly? Would he be welcome as a husband when he could be with her? Would they consent to some of their children indeed being his? Could she bear to not know when he would come and go as his duty would dictate that? He told her how he didn't know if he would be able to cope with all these factors himself.

After questions, reassurances, more questions, and more tears, they agreed that she would arrange to meet with her finance as soon as possible to talk things out. She agreed that he could accompany her on the road to ensure her safety, but he would not intrude in anyway in the visit she had with her fiancé. A lot would need to be discussed. 

-

The next morning she wrote to her fiancé. She explained that there was much for them to discuss as soon as possible. A big summer market day was coming at a town between their two villages in less than a week. She suggested that she meet him there. 

This also would give her an excuse to leave the farm with Alistair. Her mother and sister both had goods they wanted to sell, and her father had tools he wanted to buy. The other children loved the idea of getting away for such fun. Once the idea had been seeded by Alistair with the family, saying he could go along to help, they readily agreed to the course. 

The days passed quickly with all the work to prepare as well as the regular farm work. Alistair felt like he was multiple people living in one body. Alistair was up and down. At moments elated that he was planning a future with the woman he loved, and at others angry and distraught at the idea he might loose her and couldn't settle down like any other normal person. 

Thea was the same. She was still tender and loving to him, but at for as many nights as she was all joy in his arms she cried. Either way they made love whenever possible. She had even managed to find a moment to have him when he helped her carry water for the family one morning. 

Alistair became more and more nervous about matters as they got closer and closer to the actual meeting. They left early in the morning and arrived in the market town at dusk the night before the meeting. Most of the family would be sharing a room in the inn. Alistar, the oldest son, and father Doran would camp with wagon and goods they had. Partly for safety of the goods and partly because of room and propriety. 

It was a long night for Alistair. He hadn't been able to get a moment alone with Thea to say goodbye before the family split up to go into town. He knew for the evening he could wander, but he did not want the temptation of the tavern, nor to end up inadvertently actually meeting Thea and her fiancé. 

In his naivety it didn't occur to him that he wouldn't run into them. The young man in question had come with two of his brothers to sell goods at the market. They mostly had done this to make the trip worth it. It was clear that he was going to the market regardless of what the family wished after he received the letter from Thea. His parents were a little concerned, but thought young love has it's ups and downs. Let him go, but send his brothers. They would make sure he was safe, and keep an eye out. This also had the added benefit of hopefully a little profit.

The young man's brothers would make sure he was safe and well if possible, but not having the stringent hold on him that his parents would didn't really mind when he said he was getting a room in the tavern and wouldn't be camping out with him. They shrugged and laughed to themselves of their brother's lady problems.

Thea met her fiancé almost as soon as arriving in the tavern. Thea's mother noticed all this, and that her daughter hadn't told her of her plans to meet him at the fair. She wondered a bit at that but decided young love needed it's moments like this. As the couple were to be wed soon they   
didn't see the harm in letting them have some time to themselves. She decided to turn a blind eye when Thea did not return until dawn to the family bedroom. 

She certainly didn't suspect anything untoward going on between the Chantry boy, however, kind and handsome and their daughter. There was an obvious friendship, but the open knowledge of her betrothal and her obvious excitement about it caused her to think any interest there would deter him.


	8. The Second Choice is Resolved

Alistair hardly slept, and was in an even worse state when Thea wasn't with the part of the family that returned to the wagon in the morning. Her mother announced happily that the girls and children had gone off to shop for the morning while she and the men would sell the goods they brought. The girls would return later giving the boys their turn. The morning turned into early afternoon before the sticky grinning gaggle of children and girls returned to the wagon. Thea was with them though didn't have nearly as many packages as the rest and certainly wasn't sticky. 

Alistair's heart beat hard. He didn't know how to react. He wanted to run to her. Instead he did his best to act as he would were he happy as normal. He accepted the hugs from the children. He looked at all the toys and food they brought back. He laughed at the arguments, and finally once they moved on he was able to talk to Thea. She smiled at him sweetly.

“I hope you slept well Alistair. I had a fine time this morning shopping. I think mother might be willing to let me off and to show you the fine cloak I saw that would suit you well if you asked..” She smiled up at him. She was giving him a chance to get away with her if he was ready.

“That is a fine idea. I have never been here and if your parents would allow it I would certainly like a guide through all of this.”

At that point her father overhear them. He clasped Alistair's shoulder and said, “that my boy is a fine idea. Our dear Thea will keep out of trouble as I'm sure the Mother would approve of! Can't let you get lost now. We will need your help at least to return home!”

“Well then Thea take me to this cloak and perhaps to a nice ale and a pie?”

And so off they went into the crowd and hubbub.

Thea squeezed his hand. “I know a corner of the chantry here were it is quiet and we can talk. Follow me.” And she pulled him through the crowd.

His stomach was in knots. He'd hardly been able to eat anything and hadn't slept at all well. She seemed very relaxed, but still he worried. 

They did indeed find a corner in the main hall of the chantry that was quiet. There were few here, as everyone was shopping or selling things at the market. Only the minimum number of priests were in attendance to show thankfulness to the Maker. 

Once they were in their corner where they had some privacy she was in his lap. Kissing him and he held her tightly to him. He inhaled her smell and held her for a long moment. “Thea.. Thea.. mm I love you. I missed you. I worried. Tell me what has transpired.”

She giggled a little. “I will, but first I brought you some honey comb. You must try it.” And she brought from her little basket some of the sweet sticky comb for him. He ate it from her fingers licking them as he did. It was a wonderful gesture and he found he was very hungry. Hungry for a meal and hungry for her. 

He kissed her passionately. The priest would certainly chase them out with a stick if caught, but Alistair didn't care. Thea was worth a thrashing. She melted into him for a time. Eventually pulling back before things went over the edge and she found a way to ride him here and now. 

“Alistair let me tell you of my meeting with Daw.”

He immediately went limp beneath her and stopped holding her to him so tightly. 

“So you've seen him already then..”

“Yes, last night. We talked a great deal. I'm sure mother knew I didn't come to bed with the girls, but has let it go. I told him everything. He loves me and wants to continue with our betrothal. He didn't feel that I had betrayed him, and I told him that I didn't want to give you up for our marriage. He said he loved me, and wanted my happiness in our union. He said he could see that though he could forbid me to have you, that I wouldn't be happy. He said he would need time to think about the idea of children and exactly how we would manage things, but that we would. He has given his blessing as much as he can to this arrangement.”

She looked at him apprehensively. This was the outcome she had expected in a way, though Alistair's reaction she wasn't sure of. Was he hoping that her fiancé would throw her over so that she would be only his? Would he decide he couldn't face sharing his lover? 

Alistair sighed heavily. He was relieved. He was so afraid that this other man would make Thea choose and that she would not choose himself. He kissed Thea tenderly. 

“We will find a way to manage. Thank you for this Thea.”

“There was one more thing..at the fall festival he would like to meet you. Often his family stays in the village for the festival as their village's fall festival isn't for a few weeks past ours. It's a long journey, but as I said our families are close. Will you meet him? It would be a good chance for us to work things out..”

Alistair's heart clenched. Well at some point he would have to meet this man and work things out. That would be the best time. If it were to go badly he could escape back to the Chantry and into his training. If it goes well then things will be settled.

“Yes, I will meet him, and we can talk then. But what until then? Are things to continue between us as they have?”

“I don't see why not..” Thea said coyly running a hand up the inside of one of his thighs.

His hard on sprang back to life. “Enough,” he laughed, “I am really in need a meal, there is a cloak to see, unless you made that up, and I am feeling like after that this crowd might be too much for me and I'll need you to show me place where I can get some peace and quiet...”

She kissed him, “Yes lunch and no I didn't make the cloak up. It's a fine green.”

He bought the cloak. She was right, it was a fine green. They promptly made use of it as a blanket during a walk to find his peace and quiet.

They returned in time for dinner with the family. Afterwards he and the older boys took themselves off the peruse the ale vendors, and the women and children went back to the inn for the night. 

Alistair did his best not to think about what Thea was doing that night so close but so far from him.

The rest of the fair went well. The following day was much the same though Alistair was in a far better mood. Visiting the ale vendors had been fun with the lads. He had certainly taken his mind off matters, and the others teased him mercilessly for the female attention he received throughout the evening. 

He felt far less of the awkwardness he would have such a few months ago. He felt no pressure to be desired by these women and so was more desirable. His friends were more than happy to swoop in where he seemed to have no interest. He was happy to see them go after it and all in all it was a good night.

He was sure there had been some male eyes on him as well in certain of the more interesting entertainments they visited. A very handsome man chatted with him awhile when the others were talking to the ladies. He seemed quite interested in the fact that Alistair wasn't interested in them, but didn't press the matter. It wasn't until much later that Alistair realized that he had missed an opportunity.

Head swimming with alcohol he fell into his bed role amongst the others at a fairly reasonable hour that night. 

The entire family met early the final morning and set out for home. Alistair and Thea were comfortable friends on the way home, and the tension was relieved between them.

Alistair for a few weeks anyway had a sense of happiness and peace that he had never felt before.


End file.
